St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

Every February 14th I relive the “Massacre.” For many, romance is in the air and thoughtful tokens of love are shared between mates. For me, however, the pressure to come up with a meaningful expression of my love rushes my spirit and tortures my soul; and ultimately leads to a reenactment of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre; complete with my bloodied body slumped against a brick wall, riddled with bullet holes.

Who do I blame for this bloodshed? Why, Hallmark of course. There is no real basis to have a holiday commemorating St. Valentine. It is simply a conspiracy by the greeting card companies to coerce us into buying
overpriced cards with big red hearts and mailing them to significant others, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, friends, acquaintances, and pets (that includes goldfish).

Do not let me forget the florist industry which is also in on the conspiracy and has no problem raising the price of roses threefold on this very special day. I would also include the chocolate industry in this charade; but I actually like giving chocolate (which can be shared with me) and would have nothing against the holiday, if all you had to do was buy chocolate.

The actual St. Valentine (apparently there were several by this name) was a martyred saint, and certainly deserves his due. But let’s face it; he barely holds a candle to many other great saints who barely get a fast named after them and certainly don’t get their own day with cards and gifts. It’s kind of like presidents.
Many were great men, but only one or two actually get a holiday named after them. Giving St. Valentine a day is kind of like asking people to observe Jimmy Carter’s birthday as a national holiday. I’m sure he is a nice guy,
but he’s no Washington or Lincoln.

But, back to my personal dilemma. I am (emotionally) incapable of choosing an appropriate and meaningful Valentine’s Day gift. My wife, on the other hand, has no problem coming up with multiple gifts; always something I like and always very thoughtful. It just further adds to my humiliation, when I fail year after year to
do anything that could even remotely be considered romantic.

It wasn’t always this way. There was a time many years ago, when I occasionally came up with an original gift that my wife enjoyed. Twenty years of marriage, however, tends to exhaust a good amount of gift ideas… and
let’s face it, I am not getting any smarter, and may have used up my lifetime allotment of romantic ideas.

Early on in my marriage my idea of a romantic Valentine's gift was a toaster oven, or if I was really feeling adventuresome, a bread maker. But, it didn’t take me long to figure out that I was going no where with kitchen appliances. Then I became caught up in the fallacy that “it was the thought that counts.” So I began to
personalize gifts. One year I went to the mall and had my picture put on a felt poster. They put vertical bars in front of my face and titled it Prisoner of Love. Needless to say it took a few years to live that one down.

Another year, Godiva Chocolate was running a promotion where they were hiding a diamond ring in every box of Valentine’s candy. I went out and bought a costume diamond ring and a box of Godiva. I carefully opened the package and placed the ring in with the chocolates and inserted a Godiva gift card with a message saying to call an 800 number to claim the real ring (assuming she would recognize the fake). The phone number I used was Godiva’s actual customer service number. I was able to keep a straight face up until the time my wife called Godiva demanding her ring, and at that point I had to confess. I thought it would be funny…

Over the years I have bought the wrong color purse, purchased the wrong sized dress and picked out jewelry my wife is never going to wear. Flowers, candy, dinners -- it’s all been done. I need some serious help.

I need the Cravings readers to put their heads together (or work on your own) and come up with some great Valentine gift ideas. Email me your ideas to my personal email address: andrew@cravingssouthflorida.com.
I will seriously consider all suggestions and will send each of you a special Cravings Valentine greeting.

After all what’s the point of having your own magazine, if you can’t count on your readers to bail you out on Valentine’s Day.

Andrew Stern
Editor-in-Chief